Nathan Morris: How a Kentucky Funeral Director Helps Families Choose Funeral Music

I'm Nathan Morris, a licensed Kentucky funeral director and embalmer based in Louisville, and the hardest part of planning a service is almost never the casket. It's the music.

After more than 15 years in funeral service, I can tell you the moment it happens. We get through the obituary, the visitation times, the flowers. Then I bring up songs, and the room tightens. Somebody says, "I guess a hymn?" Somebody else says, "We never talked about it." Everybody looks at the table.

Families think there is a correct answer. Something slow. Something solemn. Something that sounds like a funeral.

There isn't. And this article is everything I walk families through so they can stop guessing.

The one question I ask every family

When the room goes quiet, I wait a second and ask one thing:

"What did they have on in the car?"

Not what they would want. Not what's appropriate. What was actually playing on the drive to work, the truck radio on a Saturday, the CD that never came out of the player.

Almost every time, somebody smiles before they answer. Somebody remembers a kitchen on a Saturday morning, or a song the whole family sang badly on purpose. Shoulders drop. Somebody laughs, then somebody cries, and we stop planning an event and start remembering a person.

The right song is rarely the saddest one. It's the one that sounds like them.

Why music matters more than families expect

A eulogy is something people listen to. Music is something people feel. It reaches the guests who didn't know the person well and the ones who knew them better than anybody. It fills the room during the moments nobody knows what to do with: walking in, walking past the casket, walking out.

It also outlasts the day. Families tell me for years afterward that they can't hear a certain song at the grocery store without thinking of that service. That's not a bad thing. That's the song doing its job.

Where music goes in a service

Most services have four or five places where music lands. You don't need a song in every one, but it helps to know where they are.

1. Prelude. Music playing while guests arrive. This is a great place for a playlist of the person's favorites, the more personal the better.
2. Opening. One song as the service begins. Often a hymn or a song with meaning to the family's faith, if they have one.
3. Reflection or slideshow. The song under a photo tribute. This is usually the one people remember most.
4. Closing or recessional. The last thing people hear as they leave. I love an upbeat song here. It gives people permission to breathe again.
5. Graveside. Often quieter, sometimes a single instrument or no music at all.

Simple rules I give families

Pick for the person, not the room. If they loved classic country, play classic country. If they loved hair metal, we can talk about volume, but we can make it work.

Choose one song for the family and one for the guests. A song that means everything to the family might mean nothing to the coworker in the back row. Mixing a personal pick with something widely loved gives everybody a way in.

Check the length. A slideshow with 80 photos might need two songs. A closing song over five minutes can feel long when people are standing.

Listen to the whole song first. Lyrics that sound perfect in the chorus sometimes say something very different in the second verse.

Ask your funeral director about the sound system early. Some chapels play from a phone, some need a file, some have a live musician. Knowing ahead keeps the service from stalling.

It's okay to change your mind. Families sometimes swap songs the morning of the service. That's normal.

Live music, recorded music, or both

Recorded music is the most common choice and the easiest to get exactly right, because you're playing the version the person loved. Live music, a soloist, an organist, a family member with a guitar, brings something recorded music can't. If someone in the family wants to sing or play, I almost always encourage it, with one tip: have a recorded backup ready, because grief can catch a voice in the middle of a line.

Where I come from on this

I've spent my career in funeral homes, and I'm also a singer-songwriter. I write songs about grief and the people we miss, including my holiday single "Last Christmas," because the two parts of my life kept meeting in the same place: music is how families say the things they can't say out loud.

That's why I built Funeral Music Planner, a free tool that helps families organize songs for each part of a service, and why I put together a free Funeral Song Guide with the same questions I use in arrangement conferences.

If you work in funeral service and want help talking about this with families online, that's what Selection Room is for.

If you're planning a service right now

Start with the car. Write down three songs that were playing in it. One of them is probably your answer.

If you'd like something to listen to while you think, I keep a Funeral Songs playlist on Spotify.

And if today feels heavy, call or text 988. Someone's there.